Ninken. What's a ninken? A ninja dog. Like Toya for example. It happened a week ago. Last Tuesday, 10:20, I was talking to Miyavi and we promised to meet after his concert.

Knockknock.
"Hello?"

Huh..?

Knockknockknock.
"Hello!"

Wha... Miyavi-kun.. wait....

Too late, I was wide awake and my sweet dreams were fucked.

KnockknockknockKNOCKBANGBANG
"HELLO!?"

"Coming..."

"HELLOOOOOO?!"

"YEAH, COMING, SHUT THE **** UP!!"

I noticed I was topless so I picked up a random t-shirt from the floor, but when I put it on, I couldn't find the left sleeve - which was occupied by my head. So, looking like a scarecrow, I went to the window to see who was there, but....

The window was open. The curtains were still closed, but it was clearly wide open. And Toya was hiding under the window sill, silent, ready to attack that retarded burglar. I opened the curtain and saw.... 2 cops and a blonde hag.

"What do you want..?"
"I'm marshall Something, I've come because there's a social tax you haven't paid..."
"Gimme that bill, I'll pay allright. Gimme, and scram. How much is it?"
"€266, formerly €25 but we had to add appeal fees and stuff. Can we come in?"
"HELL NO YOU CAN'T, lemme wake up first...."
"Sure, get dressed first."
"STFU, bitch" <---I made sure she didn't hear that one, went back to the living room (where I sleep), hid my dirty laundry under the couch, got dressed and cleaned up a bit. The day before, I was a little pissy and tossed a wardrobe on the floor and it still lay across the room, quite a hindrance actually, but I didn't bother to pick it up. If those police wankers wanna come in and bother me, that they have some trouble. I mean, I'm fine with the cops paying me a visit (I'm used to it), but NOT with people waking me up!!! I wanna sleep!!!!!! Before I let them in, I loaded my gun just in case they were gonna impound anything valuable, put it in my pants and let them in.

Not only the trashed wardrobe made my place look a little scary. I'd also impaled a dagger in the hideous excuse for a face of Yasser Arafat who was on an election poster on my wall.

When she showed me the bill I owed the state or whoever, she added, " But please do call back for the exact amount as the locksmith who opened your window has to be paid as well."
WHAT THE!? I didn't ask no locksmith to manhandle my window, so why should I pay, huh??

The cops were still standing in the hall, keeping the door wide open. I told one of them, "Hey, close the door or else my cats run out on the street. In or out, but close the door or else you'll end up just like that wardrobe, buddy."

Idiot ignored me. Only then, they noticed Toya. Sure, a big dog with tiger stripes doesn't stand out, now does he?

Marshall Bitch: "Whoa, there was a dog?!"
Me: "Yeah, he was waiting for the right moment to attack all the time while you were knocking and screwing with my window."
Marshall (pale and meekly): "But.... we've been knocking and calling for about fifteen minutes and we didn't hear a dog bark."
Me: "Of course not. Why should he? Wouldn't it be stupid to warn a burglar? A burgler is to be disposed of, period. It's a Japanese ninja dog: fast, silent and clean... well, not really clean. He once messed up a burglar so bad I had to wipe the floor. Bastard bled allover the place!" (that's a lie)
Marshall: "Really...? But.. but if you hadn't come, we'd have climbed in through the window.."
Me: "...and been torn to shreds. Guns are no good against an enemy you don't see "
Marshall:
Me: "And next time, come at midnight when I'm awake. You're really being troublesome!"
Marshall: "We're sorry."
Me: "Oh really? Then get out!"

So she goes to the living room to note everything valuable to impound. I closed the door between the two of us and the cops. Harrharr, we're finally alone. I'm gonna rape, butcher and eat her alive. I see her note:

• TV set, color, JVC
• coffee table, wood (and puked allover by cats.... totally valuable indeed)
• wooden commode (you can have that ugly shit)
• armchair (ruined by cat claws... take it...)

That was when Miyu, still locked up in her crate, commented on the scene with a "Mooh!"

• puppy of "Japanese ninja dog"
  

WHAT THE!! No impounding my little Miyu-baby!!!

Before I could get my samurai sword from under the couch, she gave me the bill and left. Outside the neighbours were gaping

Oh well, appears they had no right to do this. They didn't even have a warrant. I could have slept another few hours. Bastards.